What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I waited trembling.

I couldn’t, believe it.

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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

All the time i was locked up.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

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I did it because my mum asked me too!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

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Put me off passion for life!!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

What is something brutally honest that needs to be said?

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

But it wasn’t much.

What did i know ?

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He knew the spot.

Ive learnt so much.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Are you happy with your life?

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

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And who doesn’t know suffering?

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Why do we exist, and why are we conscious?

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I write beautiful poetry .

So whats the point in blame.

How do you start a tech startup as a non-technical person?

This is soul school!.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

She loved him until the end.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

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She was in good health!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I never cut or harmed myself..

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I think the readers, may guess!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I will be 64.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

(And it was in our own minds.)

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Who then, do I blame.?

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I was 9 years of age.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I was seconnd youngest,

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Was to survive, this bastard.

She found it foreign!.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

She married twice! .

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

When she asked me how she looked .

Im still living with it.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

My life is so biszare .

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I was scared of men, in general

I don,t even have a pension.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

It was going to be , some day.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Would this be the day?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

He resisted the act ,that day.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I was very sick at this time too.

But, we were locked up after school.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I said to her

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

But ive been too sick for many years..

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I could never make a relationship work though!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

She wouldn,t have been !

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Comes on , in middle age.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

We all went to grammer schools

Why did i forgive my father ?

As i do to all so called friends.?

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

We were not on the streets..

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

One cannot live in the past .

And i lived it daily.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

My family never makes their pension either.

I have no regrets .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

So, i spoilt her more .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..